going home always brings mixed feelings. it’s the world i used to be in, the world i can no longer return to and the world i long to be in sometimes. i guess there is no turning back. i love going home to see my parents and sisters, but when it’s time to leave i always have to push back tears when i pull away. things will never be the same. tonight while in church…i know i should have been listening to pastor stan but i couldn’t help letting my thoughts take over. i really miss my gma! it gets so hard not to cry each time i think of her. and tonight in church the thought hit me that by not visiting her or communicating with her it was like she was dead already. i know i will never get my gma back the way she used to be. its just so hard to watch her deteriorate more with time. i can’t help but worry that if i go see her she might not remember me. they tell us to stay away so she can adjust but then i think…..there has to be moments that she is herself….even if it’s just for a minute. but she must feel so abandoned….so alone. although we all love her so much…..it must be hard to see from her side. i just cant stand that i dont see her while she is still ‘here’. i just dont know what to do….my heart pounds even before i enter the building about what she’ll say, how she will react….how i will leave. i guess i just wish she was the way she used to be. i love her no matter what though and i hope she knows that. its just something i’ve been thinking about a lot lately and whether i cry or not….it doesn’t go away and the hurt is still there. the bookstore’s got me pretty busy but sometimes at night when things slow down….that’s when it hits me most. i pray everynight that she knows how much she is loved. i’m struggling whether to post this or not. i guess it couldn’t hurt to post it. not like there are a million people reading it.
