life

something sure smells fishy lately hehe. fish have been dying left and right around here. first my beloved lazzi, then poor diver, now justin’s beta dazzle. it seems justin’s cat must have been listening when justin mentioned wanting rid of dazzle because…well….this fish didn’t die a natural death 😉 they say things happen in threes so i guess justin’s other fish have a chance at surviving 🙂

in another unrelated topic…..if you were $80,000 where would you hide? It’s finally book inventory time and it seems we are missing a lot…..now i know $80,000 worth of books didn’t just walk out of here. in my opinion it’s either the deadbooks we sent to africa or a problem with the merge from a/s 400 to banner. we shall see i guess…..surprisingly i’m not stressin cuz i know i did all i needed to do and my counts are as accurate as they could be (considering we ended up counting 5 times last week).

Oh well ….everybody have a great day 🙂

ok…so i’m sitting here thinking “what am i doing?” i see all these people around me who have so many gifts and so many things to offer. each one having his/her own dreams to pursue. then there’s me. i guess i never really took the time to dream. i got to thinking and i have no idea what i’d like to do with my life. none at all. i wish i was like so many…where i knew what i was good at and could go from there. so far i’ve realized i can count past 10 and can order books. woo hoo! that ought to get me somewhere 😉 i want to find my something. i want to do something and stick to it. just wish i had a place to start. i guess i’ve just always gone with what was at hand and never thought any further. maybe it’s laziness or discouragement. oh well….maybe i’ll walk out the door tomorrow morning and get hit with a huge sign from above as to what to do….otherwise i guess i’ll just sit here and ponder away 😉

The most amazing thing happened to me. Don’t you wish you knew what it was? 😉

friday was a terrible day for dying. i mean….johnny cash, john ritter, ….and most of all…my fish lazarus. i know what you’re thinkin. ‘it’s just a fish bonnie!’….this wasnt just any fish….this was a special fish. i got him from a coworker at good ole winn-dixie over a year ago. he had won it at the carnival. i took it home and it was huge. i woke up the next morning to find an empty little aquarium. i searched the floor to find him barely alive on the carpet. i couldn’t flush him so i thought i would put him back in the water until he died. i found out later that my mom had found him on the carpet around 8am and i woke up and put him in the tank around 11am…so for at least 3 hours he was on the carpet. my mom thought he was dead and was late for work so she left him there for me to find later. a few hours later i went down to get the fish to flush him and he was swimming around perfectly fine. i will never have an explanation for that fish hehe. then on friday while on lunch break i heard rocks stirring and looked to see lazzi floating from the top to the bottom of the tank upside down. i guess i couldn’t expect another miracle…a few hours later he was still dead. RIP little guy!

wow this weekend flew….and apparently it did for most everyone i’ve spoken to. friday was so much fun going to the crest/shelby game. of course my team didn’t win but it was fun anyway and a change of scenery. saturday was supposed to be the day to finally finish the hope chest but some silly girl left the poly’ at her parents house 😉 so that was a lost cause. then justin and i went shopping and the greatest thing happened. i went down a whole size or two!!!…depending on how you look at it. i haven’t worn this size since maybe middle school 🙂 then it was off to olive garden with brandon and meagan. i must say i’ve never met another couple that i just clicked with right away. it was so much fun! they are awesome people! and now it’s monday…bleh! but the bright side….only 4 more days til the next weekend hehe

ok….so this has definitely been a strange couple of days. It seems that a lot of my guy friends have been resurfacing. Yesterday my friend Greg from charlotte that i haven’t seen in over a year, was on his way to nashville and stopped in the bookstore to see me. his company rented him a mustang convertable. of course it was BRIGHT yellow! but hey non the less it was cool! then last night while i was checking my usual sites….wantmoore.com, getoffthecomputer.com, etc…my ex jason popped up on aol instant messenger. he ended up calling me and talking to me for over an hour….gosh its been like 2 years since i have heard from him. Then this afternoon while at work my friend matt called my cell phone…it was quite a surprise! it’s just so weird how things tend to happen all at once.

3 more weeks til i get my kitty!!!! i can’t wait! i just hope that “kitty” and apache get along hehe or justin could be in for a few sleepless nights 😉

hopefully tomorrow (friday) justin and i will be going to the crest/shelby high school football game after work. it seems to be “the” thing to do around here. i’m thinking i’m more of a crest girl. not sure what justin has decided on. hopefully crest so i wont be sitting alone 😉

I really really ‘hope’ it doesn’t rain on saturday so justin and i can finally! finish the hope chest. then it looks like we might be traveling to charlotte to olive garden MMMM 🙂 with brandon and meagan. is it saturday yet? hehe it’s gonna be a lot of fun. i’m looking forward to meeting meagan. i’ve heard good things about her.

going home always brings mixed feelings. it’s the world i used to be in, the world i can no longer return to and the world i long to be in sometimes. i guess there is no turning back. i love going home to see my parents and sisters, but when it’s time to leave i always have to push back tears when i pull away. things will never be the same. tonight while in church…i know i should have been listening to pastor stan but i couldn’t help letting my thoughts take over. i really miss my gma! it gets so hard not to cry each time i think of her. and tonight in church the thought hit me that by not visiting her or communicating with her it was like she was dead already. i know i will never get my gma back the way she used to be. its just so hard to watch her deteriorate more with time. i can’t help but worry that if i go see her she might not remember me. they tell us to stay away so she can adjust but then i think…..there has to be moments that she is herself….even if it’s just for a minute. but she must feel so abandoned….so alone. although we all love her so much…..it must be hard to see from her side. i just cant stand that i dont see her while she is still ‘here’. i just dont know what to do….my heart pounds even before i enter the building about what she’ll say, how she will react….how i will leave. i guess i just wish she was the way she used to be. i love her no matter what though and i hope she knows that. its just something i’ve been thinking about a lot lately and whether i cry or not….it doesn’t go away and the hurt is still there. the bookstore’s got me pretty busy but sometimes at night when things slow down….that’s when it hits me most. i pray everynight that she knows how much she is loved. i’m struggling whether to post this or not. i guess it couldn’t hurt to post it. not like there are a million people reading it.

i guess i’m in a weird pondering mood tonight. today at church the flowers were given by an older couple (JC and Moana Sanders) there were 45 roses to represent 45 years of marriage. 45 years!!! i cant ‘even fathom being a part of anything for that long. they make a good team though. at the end of the service tonight they gave roses out to everyone. They were so beautiful! yellow, red, orange, and pink roses.

i think my goal for the next few months is to learn something new….something i’ve always wanted to do and just didn’t know how. not having homework will give me some time if i could just leave work at a decent hour.

i know this is gonna sound mushy and make som of you (not that there are any of you hehe) gag but today justin and i were taking a nap like we usually do on Sunday afternoons…. this time we stayed at my apartment. we fell asleep and somewhere inbetween dreams i woke up and justin’s arms were around me and my head was on his chest and it just felt so good…..so warm …..so right. and i couldnt help but watch him sleep for a little while…our breathing patterns the same…just jumping for joy inside thinking that someday we might have a chance to do that everynight. i never feel more safe than when i’m in his arms. even after all this time he still gives me butterflies. Pastor Stan said the sweetest thing the other day to us after church….he said that he looks at us and he sees how we feel about each other and he sees us at church and it just makes him so happy (well something like that hehe) I think it’s so cool that people can see how much we mean to each other. The other night everything that had been on my mind and worrying me finally got the best of me and despite my best efforts to conceal my pain justin saw right through it. he just let me cry and cry and cry and i cant even begin to tell you how much that meant to me.

ok…..time to do the dishes!